Four Examples of Civil Aviation Humour.
1. Nicolas Drawing.
[Just in case you've hadn't seen it already.]TOP
Ken Pearn: The Funny Side of Flying.
Ken Pearn sent in this contribution for the Flying Humour section of our Website.
As Concorde landed in New York the pilot announced "Ladies and Gentlemen, thankyou for flying on Concorde and on behalf of the crew I hope that we shall have the pleasure of your company on future flights". Then forgetting that his microphone was still switched on, he added "Now all I need is a nice cup of coffee and a woman".
Hearing the gaffe, a pretty young flight attendant rushed up the gangway towards the cockpit. Halfway up the aisle, an old lady patted her on the arm and said. "Dont hurry dear, give him time to finish his coffee".
2. Smart Alick Tech Log Entries.
Here are some tech log entries by pilots and the subsequent smart arse replies from their maintenance crews. Maybe there's one you havn't heard before (many times)?
NOTE: (P) represents the Pilot's entry
(E) is the Engineer's entry
(P) Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
(E) Almost replaced left inside main tyre.
(P) Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
(E) Autoland not installed on this aircraft.
(P) No. 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
(E) No. 2 propeller seepage normal.
(P) No. 1, No. 3, and No. 4 propellers lack normal seepage.
(P) Something loose in cockpit.
(E) Something tightened in cockpit.
(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
(E) Evidence removed.
(P) DME volume unbelievably loud.
(E) Volume set to more believable level.
(P) Dead bugs on windshield.
(E) Live bugs on order.
(P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.
(E) Cannot reproduce problems on ground.
(P) IFF inoperative.
(E) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
(P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
(E) That's what they're there for.
(P) Number three engine missing.
(E) Engine found on right wing after brief search.
(P) Aircraft handles funny.
(E) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right," and be serious.
(P) Target Radar hums.
(E) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the words.
(P) Pilot's clock inop.
(E) Wound pilots clock.
(P) Autopilot tends to drop a wing when fuel imbalance reaches 500lbs.
(E) Flight manual limits maximum fuel imbalance to 300lbs.
(P) No. 2 ADF needle runs wild.
(E) Caught and tamed No. 2 ADF needle.
(P) - Suspected crack in windscreen.
(E) - Suspect you're right.
(P) - Mouse in cockpit.
(E) - Cat installed.
(P) - Ghostly creaking from airstairs
(E) - Airstairs lubricated and exorcised.
Apologies to the Jocks
3. Jock Speak.
Due to the recent inclement weather, there have been some instances of diversion to airports within the Scottish FIR. Needless to say passengers and aircrew alike have had extra difficulties on these occasions The following phraseology is applicable to aircrew having to visit Glasgow: (Translation: Rapast crappiwerra huzcozzed affue probs, wi’ra kites ‘n punters gawnaff taera rangtoons. Djutae ra probswi ralingo witcha forrintipes huv, heerza guidetae folla furra flyboys. )
- Acknowledge - Djaunnerstawn pal?
- Affirmative - Aye atsrite
- Break - Hodoan
- Correction - Awshit
- How do you read? - Yegoatyer lugsoan?
- I say again - Wanmertime pal
- Negative - Noway pal
- Over - Overinnat
- Out - Ahmoaf
- Pass your message - Geezrapatter
- Read back - Whiddajist tellye?
- Roger - Okay pal
- Say again - Geezrapatter again
- Speak slower - Geezitininglish
- Stand by - Hodoanahmbizzy
- That is correct - Spotoan / Atsragemme
- Verify - Yerjokin
- Wilco - Naeborra
- Words twice - Acannaunnerstawn, geezrapatter twiceower
- Cleared to land - Getoan ragrunn
- Line up and hold - Hodoan ratar
- Cleared take off - Oanyer bike / Oanyer wyepal
I trust the above will be of some assistance.
Captain R C Nesbit
4. Training Officer Memo
Progress Report Completion
When searching for that particular phrase to describe Bloggs try :
- His crew would follow him anywhere but only out of curiosity.
- This man is not so much of a has been, more of a definitely won't be.
- When Bloggs opens his mouth it is only to change over to the other foot.
- He has flown the detail to his entire satisfaction.
- He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
- Technically sound, but socially impossible.
- This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
- In my last report I stated that Bloggs had reached rock bottom. Since then he has started digging.
- Bloggs reminds me very much of a gyroscope. Always spinning round at a frantic pace but never going anywhere.
- He sets low personal standards and consistently fails to achieve them.
- Bloggs has the wisdom of youth and the energy of old age.
- This man will go far. The sooner he starts the better.
- This man is depriving a village somewhere of its idiot.
- Bloggs used to be something of a granny. Since then he has aged considerably.
- Works well under constant supervision.
I would be pleased to hear from anyone who has any stories or jokes that would fit nicely onto this page. Please use the Feedback Form to contact me briefly, in the first instance.
Joe Bosher (74th).