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The Funny Side of Flying.

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Four Examples of Civil Aviation Humour.

1. Girls Drawing. 2. Funny Log Entries 3. Jock Speak 4. Progress report

1. Nicolas Drawing.

Copy of a letter to the captain of an airliner.

[Just in case you've hadn't seen it already.]

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Ken Pearn: The Funny Side of Flying.

Ken Pearn sent in this contribution for the Flying Humour section of our Website.

As Concorde landed in New York the pilot announced "Ladies and Gentlemen, thankyou for flying on Concorde and on behalf of the crew I hope that we shall have the pleasure of your company on future flights". Then forgetting that his microphone was still switched on, he added "Now all I need is a nice cup of coffee and a woman".

Hearing the gaffe, a pretty young flight attendant rushed up the gangway towards the cockpit. Halfway up the aisle, an old lady patted her on the arm and said. "Dont hurry dear, give him time to finish his coffee".


2. Smart Alick Tech Log Entries.

Here are some tech log entries by pilots and the subsequent smart arse replies from their maintenance crews. Maybe there's one you havn't heard before (many times)?

NOTE: (P) represents the Pilot's entry
(E) is the Engineer's entry

(P) Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
(E) Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

(P) Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
(E) Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

(P) No. 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
(E) No. 2 propeller seepage normal.
(P) No. 1, No. 3, and No. 4 propellers lack normal seepage.

(P) Something loose in cockpit.
(E) Something tightened in cockpit.

(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
(E) Evidence removed.

(P) DME volume unbelievably loud.
(E) Volume set to more believable level.

(P) Dead bugs on windshield.
(E) Live bugs on order.

(P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.
(E) Cannot reproduce problems on ground.

(P) IFF inoperative.
(E) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

(P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
(E) That's what they're there for.

(P) Number three engine missing.
(E) Engine found on right wing after brief search.

(P) Aircraft handles funny.
(E) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right," and be serious.

(P) Target Radar hums.
(E) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the words.

(P) Pilot's clock inop.
(E) Wound pilots clock.

(P) Autopilot tends to drop a wing when fuel imbalance reaches 500lbs.
(E) Flight manual limits maximum fuel imbalance to 300lbs.

(P) No. 2 ADF needle runs wild.
(E) Caught and tamed No. 2 ADF needle.

(P) - Suspected crack in windscreen.
(E) - Suspect you're right.

(P) - Mouse in cockpit.
(E) - Cat installed.

(P) - Ghostly creaking from airstairs
(E) - Airstairs lubricated and exorcised.

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Apologies to the Jocks

3. Jock Speak.

Due to the recent inclement weather, there have been some instances of diversion to airports within the Scottish FIR. Needless to say passengers and aircrew alike have had extra difficulties on these occasions The following phraseology is applicable to aircrew having to visit Glasgow: (Translation: Rapast crappiwerra huzcozzed affue probs, wira kites n punters gawnaff taera rangtoons. Djutae ra probswi ralingo witcha forrintipes huv, heerza guidetae folla furra flyboys. )

  1. Acknowledge - Djaunnerstawn pal?
  2. Affirmative - Aye atsrite
  3. Break - Hodoan
  4. Correction - Awshit
  5. How do you read? - Yegoatyer lugsoan?
  6. I say again - Wanmertime pal
  7. Negative - Noway pal
  8. Over - Overinnat
  9. Out - Ahmoaf
  10. Pass your message - Geezrapatter
  11. Read back - Whiddajist tellye?
  12. Roger - Okay pal
  13. Say again - Geezrapatter again
  14. Speak slower - Geezitininglish
  15. Stand by - Hodoanahmbizzy
  16. That is correct - Spotoan / Atsragemme
  17. Verify - Yerjokin
  18. Wilco - Naeborra
  19. Words twice - Acannaunnerstawn, geezrapatter twiceower
  20. Cleared to land - Getoan ragrunn
  21. Line up and hold - Hodoan ratar
  22. Cleared take off - Oanyer bike / Oanyer wyepal

I trust the above will be of some assistance.
Captain R C Nesbit

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4. Training Officer Memo

Progress Report Completion
When searching for that particular phrase to describe Bloggs try :

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I would be pleased to hear from anyone who has any stories or jokes that would fit nicely onto this page. Please use the Feedback Form to contact me briefly, in the first instance.

Joe Bosher (74th).

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